Got Quotes?

Oh how I'm looking forward to the weekend!

I feel like I have been going non stop the past 2 week and I am more than excited for a break. We have absolutely NOTHING planned. While I'm sure that will change there are a couple things I'm looking forward to.

Like sleeping in. While I love being busy I don't sleep well during the week. My dreams are too vivid for sleep to be restful. For example- a couple nights ago in my dreams Josh and I renewed our vows, then after that I was part of the Australian Mountain Biking team....

So on this long weekend, I'm going to sleep! And yes, I'm thanking Uncle Sam for giving me President's Day off, so I get a 3 day weekend. Oh wonderful sleep, here I come.....

I'm looking forward to snuggling with my hubby. He just bought Skyfall (the newest James Bond) and I am excited to have a movie night, relax, maybe have some popcorn, and watch this really good movie. (And if you haven't seen it, you really should. Much different from any other James Bond every filmed.)

I have been really touched by all of the kind responses I've gotten from y'all since I've started going to the support group. I'm going to continue to go, and to also use this blog as my voice. Maybe even strengthen others who are going or have gone through infertility. Here are some quotes that I found that totally sum up my feelings or are thought provoking. One of them especially struck me. Growing up, we all had preconceived notions of how our lives were going to turn out. I know my life is very different from how I thought it would be. I always wanted to be a mom. In my early twenties, I decided kids could wait and I wanted to be a career girl, travel the globe, and experience everything that I could. When I met Josh, my dreams changed. I wanted a career still, but only for a while. I started to think about having a family, being a mom, and my career picking back up when the kids went to school. Reality has a different idea. I'm in my late twenties and I'm a career girl. Haven't traveled too much. I still have a lot of time to experience everything I want to, I'm just impatient. I need to learn to enjoy the journey along the way....

Hope you enjoy the quotes!

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

-Joseph Campbell

"In all living have much fun and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

- Gordon B. Hinckley

"People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."

- Unknown

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

- Unknown

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen;

but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

- Unknown

P.S.- If you have a good quote, please share!

Validated

Last Thursday I took a huge step toward helping myself. It was terrifying. I tried to talk myself out of it and almost turned my care back around. But I didn't. I went to my first Infertility Support Group. I was SOOO nervous walking into that room, but it's the best decision I've made in a long time. Something that will actually help my emotional well being, teach me how to cope, and talk to women who know EXACTLY how I feel. Some had biological children, some had adopted, and some had none.

There were a couple of statistics I wanted to share. When I heard these, it made me feel validated. Validated with what exactly? Validated with all of my feelings- the anger, sadness, indifference, and frustration.

Did you know....

When given the diagnosis of infertility, the brain fires off the same emotional response as a cancer diagnosis.

Everytime there is a failed infertility cycle, the brain creates the same emotional response as a death of a loved one.

Probably didn't know the emotions were that strong or traumatic, did you? As I was listening to this, I had so many 'ah ha' moments where my own experiences and feelings clicked into place. It helped me to know that I wasn't crazy...far from it. Infertility is a hard thing to deal with. One thing that especially struck me was how many women suffer in silence. Out of the 11 women that were there, 4 of them admitted that no one- family or friends, knew they were struggling with infertility. They had been going through IVF cycles, and no one knew. (FYI- IVF is invitro fertilization, which is roughly a $10,000 procedure. Not covered by insurance and not a guaranteed pregnancy.)

I think I would have been committed a long time ago if that were the case. They spoke about coping mechanisms. Honestly one of mine is sharing my experiences. I think it helps to educate people, and prevents people from asking when we are going to start a family or other sensitive questions. And if they do, I take that as a chance to let people know what we are going through. Not to be mean, but to educate that this is something that doesn't have to be hidden. My heart ached listening to those women who are doing it alone. They say that it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to love and support those who are trying to get that child here. Infertility shouldn't be shameful secret to bear alone.

Now that I've been to this support group, I can't think about staying away. To listen to others and share my experiences, this is one thing I won't give up.

Time Flies by....

I can't believe it has been a year since I've written anything on this little blog of mine. So much has happened, both good and bad, it's hard and overwhelming to think of writing about everything. So I'm not even going to try.

I've had a lot of mixed feelings lately that I've been feeling like I need to write somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever get over my feelings of inadequacy, especially when it comes to infertility. The feelings of being absolutely helpless, wanting to scream, punch something, or just curl up into a ball and disappear. These visit me a lot.
We've wanted a child for so long and have been going through the process of infertility treatments for 3 years. I had an ironic realization yesterday that made me chuckle. When Josh and I got married, lots of people asked us when we were going to start a family. Both of us had been firm in our answer- 5 years minimum. Well, we changed our tune close to our first anniversary. We both love kids and we wanted our own. Our 5 year anniversary is this year. Kinda ironic how things turn out, isn't it? We'll celebrate in July, and look, no kids yet. I almost wonder if I wasn't jinxing everything on our wedding day by being so adamant that we wouldn't have kids until 5 years.
I wouldn't trade these 5 years for anything, no matter how hard it has been. Between the crying and laughing, joys and disappointments, I have fallen more in love with my husband as time goes on and I know that we have a solid relationship. I need to be thankful for that. There are times when I think he'd be better off with someone who has normal ovaries, but then I think that he chose me. He has stuck with me through all the bitter disappointments, and hopefully will continue to do so. That's how I know he loves me. He's here for the long haul.
I have 5 people who I am close to that have told me of their pregnancies- 2 just in the last 2 weeks. While I am trying to be happy for them, my emotions go through waves. At first I feel like I handle it really well, but then there are times when I just fall apart or get really angry. No rhyme or reason to any of it. We aren't doing fertility treatments right now, and honestly, I don't know if I want to start again. If you haven't been through it, you have no clue how emotionally and physically taxing it is being pumping full of hope and shooting hormones like a heroin addict. They say it's an exact science, but there's also a lot of luck and chance. We did our last fertility treatment in August and my body has only recently started returning to normal. I just lost the last of the 10lbs from the steroids they put me on.
It's been a process, but I think I'm finally to the point to where I think I'm ready to adopt. That's the feeling right now. It can change in 5 minutes or 5 hours or even 5 days from now. I just want a child. It's an emotional roller coaster that will never stop. I wish I could better articulate these feelings, but I've never been very good at translating those feelings into words. Hopefully you'll understand my ramble.

Day 17

I am grateful for food!

Not only is it a nessecity that I am very grateful to have,

I am grateful that I am able to indulge and enjoy delicious food.

One of my favorite foods is sushi. Oh sushi....how I love thee!

My favorite is a spicy tuna roll or a rainbow roll, that has tuna, yellow tail, and salmon.

I am willing to try almost anything (within reason) at least once to see if I like it or if I still dislike it.

I'm grateful that I have choices in what food to eat and I can enjoy it, instead of eating just to sustain life.

Along with sushi, I love Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian, American, and just about any other type of food.

My favorite dessert is cheesecake. Oh how I am grateful for cheesecake and desserts!

Day 16

Today I'm grateful for outlets to relieve stress.

These past couple days have been pretty stressful at work with different deadline looming.

I'm grateful to come home and decompress.

Between zumba and playing my violin, I've been able to relax and let go of every thing that's going on.

Yesterday and today I've really needed it.

It's been nice to know that I'm relieving stress and working on making myself a better person.

I'm able to get myself into better shape and I'm able to work on playing my violin better again.

While I'm not one to work well with stress, it sure is making me help be a better person.

And for that I'm grateful.

Day 15

I am grateful for goals.

Where would our world be if people hadn't made goals?

Thank goodness for ambition and the drive to succeed! 

I made a goal with this new year, that I need to admit I never had plans to follow through on.

It's funny though how life intervenes to help you realize your goals.

Am I being cryptic enough?

So from previous posts, you might remember that I play the violin?

For the past couple years I have had every intention of regularly practicing my violin to get back to the level I was in high school.

Well, I got a call from someone yesterday that goes to my same church and they asked me to play my violin in church the last Sunday of the month....

I'm FREAKING out!

It has been 8 years since I have performed in front of anyone or anything but a music stand.

I graciously accepted with the realization that this is giving me a reason to practice.

But boy oh boy...I'm nervous.

I keep telling myself that I'll be ok.

You'll be ok Sara. Really. You will.

So here's to me getting back on the musical bandwagon.

Thank you goals and life for helping me forget my guilt and get lost in my music again.

I realize now that I've missed it.

Day 14

Today I am grateful for Brinner.

What is Brinner you ask? Breakfast for dinner!

I LOVE breakfast food, and I LOVE eating it for dinner!

For Christmas we got a griddle from my parents.

This little appliance has helped so much to have my breakfast dreams realized!

Tonight I had leftover french toast. And it was DELICIOUS!

I love almost all breakfast food from: 

yogurt, oatmeal, cream of wheat, pancakes, waffles, french toast, muffins, omelets, bacon, sausage,

to many, many others.

And there was another milestone. I grew up with my mom making syrup and I have striven for 3 years to make syrup that tastes like hers. 

Well, Saturday night I finally did it!

It makes my breakfast that much sweeter that I finally mastered that recipe.

Day 13

I'm grateful for relaxation.

It's so nice after a day of working, to be able to come home

and relax.

Get in my comfy clothes and lounge around after I work out or make dinner.

While I love to be busy and always have something to do,

it's so nice to curl up with a nice book and big blanket to curl up in.

That's what I doing tonight.

I finished my workout, and now I'm going to turn off my computer and read a good book.

See you tomorrow.

Day 12

Today I'm grateful for children.

At church, Josh and I are in charge of watching 10-15 children between the ages of 18 months - 3 years.

At first when we started, I was so overwhelmed by all the little children and chaos, I didn't know where to start.

Now that we have been doing it for around 6 months, I have fallen in love with all the cute little tykes!

I love their innocence. 

Children don't judge or withhold their love.

Today I was reading stories to a couple of girls, with them sitting in front of me. 

Most of them lost interest between the 3-4 story, but this one little girl, who has been SO shy, came up and climbed onto my lap. 

No coaxing or encouragement needed.

It made my heart melt.

And I read any story she wanted me to read.

Children love and trust without reservation or judgement.

It's moments like this that make me excited to be a mother.

I hope that my children will grab stories and climb onto my lap.

Day 11

SNOW!

I'm so grateful that it finally snowed!

During winter time, it seems like there is always a nice layer of smog that settles in the Salt Lake Valley.

So when it snows, it's nice to see the mountains again, in all their white glory.

This winter has been pretty dreadful, with no snow and brown, ugly mountains.

Christmas was a little depressing, I've gotten so used to having a White Christmas, I forgot what it was like not to have one.

And I love White Christmas's! 

Hopefully now that it has snowed, it will keep snowing until April or so...

Hey, and maybe I'll actually learn how to ski this year! 

I've already tried snowboarding, and I got sick of falling so much and always being sore. 

I figure that if my feet are on two sticks instead of one board, and I'll get to have poles in my hands to keep me steady, that it might be a better fit for me.

So bring on the winter activities, finally!

Day 10

I'm grateful for safe drivers.

I know that when I am driving with my husband, he is safe.

He doesn't drive like a lunatic weaving in and out of traffic.

I feel safe driving with him, 

enough that I can fall asleep and not worry that we'll make it home alive.

We both know how to drive defensively, 

so where we both know how to look out for and avoid those 'scary' drivers.

I'm glad hat I was taught how to drive in bad weather.

If you live in Utah, you know there are tons of people out there that DON'T know how to drive in snow.

And they are the ones that make it dangerous for the rest of us.

So, now that it has finally snowed, you won't see me racing down the freeway!

Day 9

I'm grateful for exercise.

I have a desk job. 

By the end of the day, I want to go crazy from sitting all day.

Coming home I usually feel tired, but I'm so glad that I can come home and exercise.

Most recently, my favorite workout has been Zumba.

Ever done it? 

It's one of the most fun exercises I have ever done! 

Every time I turn it on, I have flashbacks when I was in ballroom class and memorizing routines.

So far, my favorite routines have been the Hindu and Samba inspired.

If you haven't tried Zumba, I would highly recommend it.

The other exercise that I try to squeeze in is walking/running on my treadmill.

So, I'm grateful I have something to do after sitting all day that relieves my aching joints, 

and helps me to relax and release stress.
It might be weird, but I love my sore muscles!
It lets me know that I'm challenging my body and working to get it in the shape I want to be in.

And I'm already looking forward to summer.

I miss taking my walks outside and hanging out in the park!

Day 8

I'm grateful for books.

I love the feel and weight of books.

I considered wanting to buy something like the Nook or Kindle,

but that would only be useful to me on vacations.

I love to hold the book, smelling that musty old book smell or the smell of ink on new pages.

Call me old fashioned.

I love seeing my library of books and looking at them to decide what I want to read.

To me, I get more satisfaction from reading a book and turning the pages,

than holding a tablet and clicking a button.

While the tablets save space and aren't bulky,

I still like lugging a good book around.

I'm grateful for the authors, for the creativeness and hard work that goes into a book.

They get the satisfaction of entertaining their readers

and I have the satisfaction of being entertained.

I have thought multiple times about trying to write a book only to realize,

I'm not creative or eloquent enough.

So I tip my hat to those people out there that can not only write books,

but write books that can suck a reader in and keep them enthralled,

 turning pages furiously to the very end.

Day 7

Today I'm grateful for music.

It's funny how there's music for almost every type of mood.

On my ipod I have so many different genres to reflect...

ballads, rock, rap, classical, show tunes, pop, jazz, indie.

They can make me reflect on life, be happy, want to dance, make me cry, have the endurance for a really long run, or cheer me up.

Music can also make you think of memories. 

For example, when I hear any song from Moulin Rouge: 

I remember being on a school trip in California and belting those songs from my balcony with friends.

Ahhh, good times.

Or how when I think of Eminem's song 'Lose Yourself' from 8 Mile, 

I just want to run. 

Music is such an important part of my life.

It's also a great way for me to express my emotions. 

Wondering how?

There's a few of you out there that probably remember that I play the violin and piano?

While I wish I played them more (I wish I had a piano), every time I pick up my violin it's like there's another part of me that comes out.

 By playing I can let go of my fears, frustrations, and relax.

And for that I am very grateful.

Day 6

I'm grateful for my family today.

The nice thing about family is that they have unconditional love.

They love you no matter what mistakes you make or where you go in life.

Friends come and go through your life, but family is always there.

There's a saying that my sister made for me when we got married:

'It doesn't matter where you go in life, 

what you do, 

or how much you have, 

it's who you have beside you.'

It's true about your spouse and your family.

I'm grateful for how often my mom calls me just to see how I'm doing.

I'm grateful for the time I get to spend with my dad.

I'm grateful for my loving and opinionated sisters. They will never lead me astray and will always give their honest opinion about what is best for me.

I'm grateful for the crazy Sunday dinners when I get to see my brother's in law and my nieces and nephews.

I'm grateful for my husband's family. 

Even though they span the globe and we don't see them that often-

I'm grateful that when we do, our relationships pick up where they left off.

Day 5

Today I am grateful for my faith.

I am a deeply private person who has a hard time sharing my religion.

Along with being grateful for my religion, I'm grateful for all the diversity in the world.

Whether you believe in God, Allah, Buddha, Shiva, or any type of spiritual being, or not,

it doesn't matter to me as long as a person has beliefs and convictions 

and does what they can to be a good person.

I'm not writing this post because I want to parade my religion around for 

everyone to see, 

I've never been that kind of person.

I have beliefs that have gotten through my darkest times.

I do believe there is a higher power that plays part in my life. I know this from this 

past month and different experiences through my life. 

I know He's there, but it seems like in extreme situations, I really know that and I can feel a presence.

My last experience was Josh's birthday in Vegas. 

We were walking around when my back started to hurt.

Like REALLY started to hurt.

After a visit to the local ER, we found out I had a kidney stone. 

If you've ever had one, you know the excruciating pain. 

It never lets up, and it just keeps pounding you down.

When we got back to the hotel, there were no more flights out that night and I had to wait until morning.

The pain pills made me sick, and I couldn't take any pills until I could eat something. 

Such a viscous cycle.

So that whole night, while my poor, exhausted husband was

 sleeping for a couple hours, 

I tried to lay quietly in bed and not move too much. 

Writhing in pain, I thought I was going to die. 

Quite literally. 

Kidney stones pain is often compared to child birth, 

but the women I have spoken with have said it is worse than child birth.

I haven't prayed that hard in a really long time. I told God that I just wanted to get home. I didn't make drastic promises to change my life or anything like that, 

I just prayed that He would give me the strength to survive this and to help me get through it. 

And He did. 

There were times that night that I actually drifted off to sleep amidst the pain, 

but I was granted a little reprieve.

Some people would call that endurance. I call it heavenly intervention.

That is why I'm grateful for my faith. 

My faith is always there for me when things don't turn out quite how

 I expected or when I need a  little help.

It helps to keep me going and encourage me.

It gives me hope.

Day 4

Today I am grateful for sleep.

It seems like during the week I never get enough sleep.

I always tell myself that I'm going to go to bed early, then I never do.

It seems like I get to bed an hour or even 2 later than I want to.

So on the weekends I play catch up on sleep.

Last night was one of those nights that I was absolutely exhausted,

I woke up this morning 11 1/2 hours later from when I went to bed.

Talk about being exhausted!

So today I'm and grateful that I have caught up on my sleep and I'm able to relax this weekend.

Happy New Year's Eve!

Day 3

Today I am grateful for my job.

Next Tuesday will be the year mark that I started working here at the

Department of Workforce Services.

I have felt so many emotions with this job:

confusion, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness, heartbreak, and gratitude.

There's a lot more adjectives I could place on this list, but those are the first ones that come to mind.

My job is hard.

I talk with people every day that are down on their luck and

have turned to the state for welfare assistance.

This past month was my first December here and it was an eye opener.

There have been multiple times this month that I have teared-up or cried quietly in my cubicle

 from the heart breaking stories I hear.

There are people out there that genuinely need this assistance and that is what makes

my job so fulfilling to do.

On the other hand,

I take great satisfaction is catching people who try to cheat the system or

 commit welfare fraud. I feel like I'm finally doing my part in making sure that my

tax dollars go to people who need it.

This job has done one MAJOR thing for me.

I am SO unbelievably blessed.

I have food in my cupboards, shelter over my head, and a warm place to sleep at night.

 A lot of the people I talk to don't have any of these things.

So while I'm here I will count my blessings and try to remember that I am a lucky girl.

Day 2

Today I am thankful for Seasons.

I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that has all four seasons,

with some longer than others. (yes Winter, I'm talking to you)

I love all the blooming flowers in the springtime.

While I'm not a huge fan of all the gloomy rain, I love that it turns everything from brown to green!

Summer is by far my favorite season.

 It's the time to be outside camping, barbequing, swimming, bonfires,

and spending time outside with friends and family.

I love the hot weather!

Fall is a pretty season with the changing of colors

and feeling the nights getting cooler- finally relief from the sweltering summer nights!

Winter is by far my least favorite season.

My favorite winter was when I lived in Florida, and I wore shorts Christmas Day.

Still there's something magical about a white Christmas. 

If I still went snowboarding, I'm sure I'd feel different.

It seems like an endless season when I'm pretty sure I'll never be warm ever again.

I love how snow caps the mountains and gives everything a majestic feeling,

but in my opinion it can just stay on the grass and mountains.

If you've ever driven in snow, you understand my sentiment.

So there you go, I'm grateful for seasons.

Stay tuned for tomorrow!

Day 1

I am grateful for the most important person in my life, my husband Josh.

My life really wouldn't have been the same without him.

Before he came along I wanted to be a big shot career girl working

in an Embassy half-way across the world. I hadn't really
considered having kids, let alone giving up a career to be a mom.

These past couple weeks have made me seen my husband from a different perspective and I'm more in love with him now that when we got married 3 1/2 years ago.

We can laugh together, cry together, be absolutely weird together (without too much judgement).

He takes great care of me, which he completely proved when I was writhing in pain from my kidney stone and couldn't take care of myself very well. He's a great nurse!

He helped me get my priorities straight by falling in love with him.

I can't imagine my life any other way- it's funny how things change.

I no longer want to be a big shot career girl. While I still have ambitions and career aspirations, first and foremost I want to be a mom and a good wife.

Things haven't happened as I've wanted them to, especially struggling with infertility, but he's been there every step of the way to talk about things and letting me cry.

God willing, one day I will be a mom. That will be the biggest and most important career of my life.

Also, I'm grateful for your drive and hard work.

You have worked so hard these past couple years to get your schooling finished.

I'm thankful for your ambition and your dreams of what we both hope to acomplish one day.

So babe, thanks for giving me perspective. I don't know how my life would have turned out without you.

Thanks for taking me on fun dates, introducing me to great friends, and going on adventures to nowhere.

Love you lots and lots!