I can't believe it has been a year since I've written anything on this little blog of mine. So much has happened, both good and bad, it's hard and overwhelming to think of writing about everything. So I'm not even going to try.
I've had a lot of mixed feelings lately that I've been feeling like I need to write somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever get over my feelings of inadequacy, especially when it comes to infertility. The feelings of being absolutely helpless, wanting to scream, punch something, or just curl up into a ball and disappear. These visit me a lot.
We've wanted a child for so long and have been going through the process of infertility treatments for 3 years. I had an ironic realization yesterday that made me chuckle. When Josh and I got married, lots of people asked us when we were going to start a family. Both of us had been firm in our answer- 5 years minimum. Well, we changed our tune close to our first anniversary. We both love kids and we wanted our own. Our 5 year anniversary is this year. Kinda ironic how things turn out, isn't it? We'll celebrate in July, and look, no kids yet. I almost wonder if I wasn't jinxing everything on our wedding day by being so adamant that we wouldn't have kids until 5 years.
I wouldn't trade these 5 years for anything, no matter how hard it has been. Between the crying and laughing, joys and disappointments, I have fallen more in love with my husband as time goes on and I know that we have a solid relationship. I need to be thankful for that. There are times when I think he'd be better off with someone who has normal ovaries, but then I think that he chose me. He has stuck with me through all the bitter disappointments, and hopefully will continue to do so. That's how I know he loves me. He's here for the long haul.
I have 5 people who I am close to that have told me of their pregnancies- 2 just in the last 2 weeks. While I am trying to be happy for them, my emotions go through waves. At first I feel like I handle it really well, but then there are times when I just fall apart or get really angry. No rhyme or reason to any of it. We aren't doing fertility treatments right now, and honestly, I don't know if I want to start again. If you haven't been through it, you have no clue how emotionally and physically taxing it is being pumping full of hope and shooting hormones like a heroin addict. They say it's an exact science, but there's also a lot of luck and chance. We did our last fertility treatment in August and my body has only recently started returning to normal. I just lost the last of the 10lbs from the steroids they put me on.
It's been a process, but I think I'm finally to the point to where I think I'm ready to adopt. That's the feeling right now. It can change in 5 minutes or 5 hours or even 5 days from now. I just want a child. It's an emotional roller coaster that will never stop. I wish I could better articulate these feelings, but I've never been very good at translating those feelings into words. Hopefully you'll understand my ramble.
You have been through a crazy rollercoaster. I know not everyone's coaster is the same, but you may want to talk to my sister. I don't want to give out someone else's private details on a public blog, but there is more in sync than you might know of. I recommend you chat.
ReplyDeleteGive me a call.
Ani
We just went through fertility and got pregnant but lost the baby. Found out two weeks later that my sis-in-law is pregnant and her due date is 1 day off of where ours was. I understand a bit of what you mean when you say you want to be happy for them but emotions go through roller coasters--it is so true! It is so bittersweet to be so happy for someone, yet be thinking about what you lost (or don't have). What an emotional journey childbearing/rearing is, and I pray you two are able to find a perfect ending to this long and hard journey. So hard not to see the end from the beginning. Sending prayers your way :).
ReplyDeleteSarah, I'm Josh's cousin. Timothy and I have been married for over 11 years and haven't been able to have children. We have done just about every fertility treatment we can that uses both of us. We finally adopted three children, and they have brought a lot of joy. We're glad to be parents, but we still yearn for a baby of our own. Sometimes life throws us down paths we never thought we'd go down, but I always try to remember that the Lord is in charge and all I have to do is trust him. All the blessings promised will be given in the Lord's time- whether in this life or the next. I hope that you find peace for yourself and for Josh. I wish we knew you better. Maybe we'll have to get together sometime. We live in St. George. Love to you and Josh! Jessica Francis
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