Time Flies by....

I can't believe it has been a year since I've written anything on this little blog of mine. So much has happened, both good and bad, it's hard and overwhelming to think of writing about everything. So I'm not even going to try.

I've had a lot of mixed feelings lately that I've been feeling like I need to write somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever get over my feelings of inadequacy, especially when it comes to infertility. The feelings of being absolutely helpless, wanting to scream, punch something, or just curl up into a ball and disappear. These visit me a lot.
We've wanted a child for so long and have been going through the process of infertility treatments for 3 years. I had an ironic realization yesterday that made me chuckle. When Josh and I got married, lots of people asked us when we were going to start a family. Both of us had been firm in our answer- 5 years minimum. Well, we changed our tune close to our first anniversary. We both love kids and we wanted our own. Our 5 year anniversary is this year. Kinda ironic how things turn out, isn't it? We'll celebrate in July, and look, no kids yet. I almost wonder if I wasn't jinxing everything on our wedding day by being so adamant that we wouldn't have kids until 5 years.
I wouldn't trade these 5 years for anything, no matter how hard it has been. Between the crying and laughing, joys and disappointments, I have fallen more in love with my husband as time goes on and I know that we have a solid relationship. I need to be thankful for that. There are times when I think he'd be better off with someone who has normal ovaries, but then I think that he chose me. He has stuck with me through all the bitter disappointments, and hopefully will continue to do so. That's how I know he loves me. He's here for the long haul.
I have 5 people who I am close to that have told me of their pregnancies- 2 just in the last 2 weeks. While I am trying to be happy for them, my emotions go through waves. At first I feel like I handle it really well, but then there are times when I just fall apart or get really angry. No rhyme or reason to any of it. We aren't doing fertility treatments right now, and honestly, I don't know if I want to start again. If you haven't been through it, you have no clue how emotionally and physically taxing it is being pumping full of hope and shooting hormones like a heroin addict. They say it's an exact science, but there's also a lot of luck and chance. We did our last fertility treatment in August and my body has only recently started returning to normal. I just lost the last of the 10lbs from the steroids they put me on.
It's been a process, but I think I'm finally to the point to where I think I'm ready to adopt. That's the feeling right now. It can change in 5 minutes or 5 hours or even 5 days from now. I just want a child. It's an emotional roller coaster that will never stop. I wish I could better articulate these feelings, but I've never been very good at translating those feelings into words. Hopefully you'll understand my ramble.

Day 17

I am grateful for food!

Not only is it a nessecity that I am very grateful to have,

I am grateful that I am able to indulge and enjoy delicious food.

One of my favorite foods is sushi. Oh sushi....how I love thee!

My favorite is a spicy tuna roll or a rainbow roll, that has tuna, yellow tail, and salmon.

I am willing to try almost anything (within reason) at least once to see if I like it or if I still dislike it.

I'm grateful that I have choices in what food to eat and I can enjoy it, instead of eating just to sustain life.

Along with sushi, I love Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian, American, and just about any other type of food.

My favorite dessert is cheesecake. Oh how I am grateful for cheesecake and desserts!

Day 16

Today I'm grateful for outlets to relieve stress.

These past couple days have been pretty stressful at work with different deadline looming.

I'm grateful to come home and decompress.

Between zumba and playing my violin, I've been able to relax and let go of every thing that's going on.

Yesterday and today I've really needed it.

It's been nice to know that I'm relieving stress and working on making myself a better person.

I'm able to get myself into better shape and I'm able to work on playing my violin better again.

While I'm not one to work well with stress, it sure is making me help be a better person.

And for that I'm grateful.

Day 15

I am grateful for goals.

Where would our world be if people hadn't made goals?

Thank goodness for ambition and the drive to succeed! 

I made a goal with this new year, that I need to admit I never had plans to follow through on.

It's funny though how life intervenes to help you realize your goals.

Am I being cryptic enough?

So from previous posts, you might remember that I play the violin?

For the past couple years I have had every intention of regularly practicing my violin to get back to the level I was in high school.

Well, I got a call from someone yesterday that goes to my same church and they asked me to play my violin in church the last Sunday of the month....

I'm FREAKING out!

It has been 8 years since I have performed in front of anyone or anything but a music stand.

I graciously accepted with the realization that this is giving me a reason to practice.

But boy oh boy...I'm nervous.

I keep telling myself that I'll be ok.

You'll be ok Sara. Really. You will.

So here's to me getting back on the musical bandwagon.

Thank you goals and life for helping me forget my guilt and get lost in my music again.

I realize now that I've missed it.

Day 14

Today I am grateful for Brinner.

What is Brinner you ask? Breakfast for dinner!

I LOVE breakfast food, and I LOVE eating it for dinner!

For Christmas we got a griddle from my parents.

This little appliance has helped so much to have my breakfast dreams realized!

Tonight I had leftover french toast. And it was DELICIOUS!

I love almost all breakfast food from: 

yogurt, oatmeal, cream of wheat, pancakes, waffles, french toast, muffins, omelets, bacon, sausage,

to many, many others.

And there was another milestone. I grew up with my mom making syrup and I have striven for 3 years to make syrup that tastes like hers. 

Well, Saturday night I finally did it!

It makes my breakfast that much sweeter that I finally mastered that recipe.

Day 13

I'm grateful for relaxation.

It's so nice after a day of working, to be able to come home

and relax.

Get in my comfy clothes and lounge around after I work out or make dinner.

While I love to be busy and always have something to do,

it's so nice to curl up with a nice book and big blanket to curl up in.

That's what I doing tonight.

I finished my workout, and now I'm going to turn off my computer and read a good book.

See you tomorrow.

Day 12

Today I'm grateful for children.

At church, Josh and I are in charge of watching 10-15 children between the ages of 18 months - 3 years.

At first when we started, I was so overwhelmed by all the little children and chaos, I didn't know where to start.

Now that we have been doing it for around 6 months, I have fallen in love with all the cute little tykes!

I love their innocence. 

Children don't judge or withhold their love.

Today I was reading stories to a couple of girls, with them sitting in front of me. 

Most of them lost interest between the 3-4 story, but this one little girl, who has been SO shy, came up and climbed onto my lap. 

No coaxing or encouragement needed.

It made my heart melt.

And I read any story she wanted me to read.

Children love and trust without reservation or judgement.

It's moments like this that make me excited to be a mother.

I hope that my children will grab stories and climb onto my lap.