Confessions...

With this post,

I feel like I am really exposing myself, sharing something so personal with the world.

It's been a while since I've posted and many things have happened,

but that's not what this post is about.

I saw a post on Facebook yesterday that aptly described some of my feelings as of late.

Here it is:

Infertility is a heart wrenching, faith questioning, relationship testing, life altering experience. Whether a friend, family member or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in and day out. Post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM.

How does this apply to me? 

I AM one of those women who struggles with infertility.

It IS heart wrenching, my arms aching to hold a child that is mine. To feel a life grow in me for 9 months and experience the wonder and awe of what it is to be a mother.

It is faith questioning. Why does God give babies to undeserving people who abuse and take advantage of their children, when those who just want the chance to love and nurture are left wanting 

- arms open and aching.

It is relationship testing. I am lucky to have a wonderful and supportive husband who shares my same dream. Who wants to be a father as much as I want to be a mother. 

He's in it for the long haul and for that I am so grateful. 

Through all of this I know I have a shoulder to cry on who will comfort and encourage me, 

who always looks on the bright side of things to cheer me up.

It is a life altering experience. That day in the specialists office when he confirmed my fears, 

was an extremely bitter pill to swallow. Some days are better than others. Some days I'm optimistic and cautiously hopeful, and other days I feel like it's impossible and I'll never have a baby.

Today is one of those not so optimistic days.

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

What is PCOS?

 In simple terms, it's a hormonal disorder where my body doesn't produce the 

correct amount of hormones to make my body ovulate. 

While I can still have children, it's extremely difficult. In the normal process of ovulation, the egg matures in a follicle, then is released when the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is released.

In my case, I lack the FSH to mature and push the egg out of my ovary.

Because of this, I have many follicles that have never matured on my ovaries.

While a normal ovary has 10-12 follicles, a person who has PCOS has 20+.

In the case of my last ultrasound, I had 40 on each ovary. 

That's 80 follicles of eggs that never matured and were never released.

Here's some pictures so you get an idea:

This is a normal ovary:

On the left side there is a dark spot- that is a follicle where a mature egg would be released.


Here's a Polycystic Ovary:





While this isn't my ovary, this looks similar to what mine looks like. See how many more black spots there are? These are all follicles that haven't released an egg. 


This doesn't mean that there's a great risk for multiples since there's so many follicles, it's just a struggle to get one to release an egg.


So there you have it. 


There's no cure, just many drugs to help manage the symptoms and to help make a person ovulate.
There are some cases where diet and exercise help to make it go away, but this is only possible if a person is diagnosed because they are obese.
In my case I'm not obese.
Just one of those random genes that was passed on.


So I deal with it.
 I remain cautiously optimistic some days, and other days I come home and cry- 
or I run out all of my frustrations.


There is one thing that really bothers me. 
When people who are pregnant tell me how easy it was. 
They were off the pill for a month and it happened or it happened by accident.
Every time I hear that it's like a slap in the face.
While I am happy for you, I don't need you to flaunt it in my face how easy it was.
If I don't come to your baby shower, don't be offended- some days are worse than others.


For me it will NEVER be easy. 
This process will take a team of doctors and nurses- nothing intimate, nothing unplanned.
Counting days, making sure I take the right medications on the correct days.
Doing everything the doctors want me to try and be willing to spend the insane amount of 
money it will take. 


For what? 
The HOPE that it will happen this time. Nothing is guaranteed.


While I have no clue who is going to read this, learn one thing from this. 


Please be conscious of other people.
 Be mindful, sensitive, and considerate of other people's feelings and situations.
While I am willing to talk to people about PCOS, you won't hear my talk of MY treatments. 
So please don't ask. 
I'll tell you what medications I'm on and if you know me, you probably know something of what I'm taking because it makes me feel sick- all day every day. 
Even though I am miserable, I think a baby and having the chance to start a family is worth all the things I have to go through.