Thank You!

I have been overwhelmed by all of the comments and emails I have received.

From feeling quite alone, I feel I have developed a kinship with quite a few of you.

There have been many emails and some comments that

 have been shared.

The first thing I want to say is thank you for being brave enough to share your story with me. 

Some of us are friends, some acquaintances, and a few are total strangers, 

but we have one thing in common.

We have struggled silently with something that we shouldn't have to feel like we need to be silent.

There have been many of you that have told me that you've just been diagnosed with 

PCOS and you want to do more research.

Here are a couple of links:

Info from a local Utah Clinic

Info on WebMD

Women's Health

There are many blogs and support groups as well.

There are some of you that have also shared with me that you fear you have PCOS.

I've been there.

 I've had the self diagnosis and that was ok for a while.

BUT

I encourage you to get a definite diagnosis from a doctor.

While it is devastating being told such news, there is also an empowerment that comes with it.

With getting a diagnosis, it eliminates the fear of 

'what if'.

And believe me, I know that fear.

I know what it's like for the months to pass and...

waiting for a cycle, using pregnancy test after test because I thought because I'm late 

'I MUST be pregnant.'

Well, little did I know about any of this whole infertility world.

I never wanted to face the fear that I'd have this struggle.

With knowledge there is power.

Learn everything you can and find that

 'silver lining' and that little 'glimmer of hope'.

It'll give you hope and help you to move forward to create a plan for the ultimate goal.

To conceive and have a baby of your own.

While my plan hasn't worked yet,

I have a doctor with a dedicated team that has a game plan.

One day I'll be a parent.

Thank you again for all your words of encouragement.

If you have any questions, want to contact me to share your story, or to talk with someone who understands, I welcome it.

Much Love,

Sara

Disclaimer and more info

I was at a really low spot last night.

That previous rant was not directed at ANYONE.

I love hearing stories about people's pregnancies, the birth, and about children in general.

This doesn't mean I want to stop hearing about them, just be sensitive of those that struggle.

I don't want to hear you tell me all about how FERTILE you are.

So with that, I apologize if that post made anyone feel bad. 

It wasn't intended as a guilt trip or to alienate people.

It was meant more as a therapy for me and to educate you.

Now that it's all in the open, I'll probably be posting more.

Ever sat down to blog and can't think of anything to put on your blog because you don't want to reveal too much?

Well, I'm done with that. 

If you can't handle it, don't read my blog.

I do have some information for those that are interested though.

Why is it that infertility affects MILLIONS of women but no one speaks of it?

Yes it can be embarrassing, but people need to be educated 

and informed.

For all the millions of people, there are not enough doctors who ARE informed about it. 

With my last obgyn, I told him my suspicions and all he did was put me on medication- no testing.

I'm the one that had to bring it up because I'd been off the pill for a year and nothing was happening.

That was really frustrating that normal SPECIALIZED DOCTORS like obgyn's aren't even aware. After speaking with someone who is very close to me, I discovered that I needed to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

This boggles my mind- for how many women this affects- there's only really TWO infertility clinic's in Utah. And they help people who also live in Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, 

and any other surrounding states.

Depending on your insurance, one should be able to cover you if the other one can't.

The first one is the Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine

Click here to see their website.

The second is the Reproductive Care Center

Click here to see their website.

Both places are specialists and really seem like they are human. 

They genuinely want to help people. 

Why can't most obgyn's act like that, especially the old ones?

So here's the end of another rant.

Just know I love all of you and know that this is more therapy for me than anything.

Please don't stop sharing your stories.

Thanks for listening.

Confessions...

With this post,

I feel like I am really exposing myself, sharing something so personal with the world.

It's been a while since I've posted and many things have happened,

but that's not what this post is about.

I saw a post on Facebook yesterday that aptly described some of my feelings as of late.

Here it is:

Infertility is a heart wrenching, faith questioning, relationship testing, life altering experience. Whether a friend, family member or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in and day out. Post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM.

How does this apply to me? 

I AM one of those women who struggles with infertility.

It IS heart wrenching, my arms aching to hold a child that is mine. To feel a life grow in me for 9 months and experience the wonder and awe of what it is to be a mother.

It is faith questioning. Why does God give babies to undeserving people who abuse and take advantage of their children, when those who just want the chance to love and nurture are left wanting 

- arms open and aching.

It is relationship testing. I am lucky to have a wonderful and supportive husband who shares my same dream. Who wants to be a father as much as I want to be a mother. 

He's in it for the long haul and for that I am so grateful. 

Through all of this I know I have a shoulder to cry on who will comfort and encourage me, 

who always looks on the bright side of things to cheer me up.

It is a life altering experience. That day in the specialists office when he confirmed my fears, 

was an extremely bitter pill to swallow. Some days are better than others. Some days I'm optimistic and cautiously hopeful, and other days I feel like it's impossible and I'll never have a baby.

Today is one of those not so optimistic days.

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

What is PCOS?

 In simple terms, it's a hormonal disorder where my body doesn't produce the 

correct amount of hormones to make my body ovulate. 

While I can still have children, it's extremely difficult. In the normal process of ovulation, the egg matures in a follicle, then is released when the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is released.

In my case, I lack the FSH to mature and push the egg out of my ovary.

Because of this, I have many follicles that have never matured on my ovaries.

While a normal ovary has 10-12 follicles, a person who has PCOS has 20+.

In the case of my last ultrasound, I had 40 on each ovary. 

That's 80 follicles of eggs that never matured and were never released.

Here's some pictures so you get an idea:

This is a normal ovary:

On the left side there is a dark spot- that is a follicle where a mature egg would be released.


Here's a Polycystic Ovary:





While this isn't my ovary, this looks similar to what mine looks like. See how many more black spots there are? These are all follicles that haven't released an egg. 


This doesn't mean that there's a great risk for multiples since there's so many follicles, it's just a struggle to get one to release an egg.


So there you have it. 


There's no cure, just many drugs to help manage the symptoms and to help make a person ovulate.
There are some cases where diet and exercise help to make it go away, but this is only possible if a person is diagnosed because they are obese.
In my case I'm not obese.
Just one of those random genes that was passed on.


So I deal with it.
 I remain cautiously optimistic some days, and other days I come home and cry- 
or I run out all of my frustrations.


There is one thing that really bothers me. 
When people who are pregnant tell me how easy it was. 
They were off the pill for a month and it happened or it happened by accident.
Every time I hear that it's like a slap in the face.
While I am happy for you, I don't need you to flaunt it in my face how easy it was.
If I don't come to your baby shower, don't be offended- some days are worse than others.


For me it will NEVER be easy. 
This process will take a team of doctors and nurses- nothing intimate, nothing unplanned.
Counting days, making sure I take the right medications on the correct days.
Doing everything the doctors want me to try and be willing to spend the insane amount of 
money it will take. 


For what? 
The HOPE that it will happen this time. Nothing is guaranteed.


While I have no clue who is going to read this, learn one thing from this. 


Please be conscious of other people.
 Be mindful, sensitive, and considerate of other people's feelings and situations.
While I am willing to talk to people about PCOS, you won't hear my talk of MY treatments. 
So please don't ask. 
I'll tell you what medications I'm on and if you know me, you probably know something of what I'm taking because it makes me feel sick- all day every day. 
Even though I am miserable, I think a baby and having the chance to start a family is worth all the things I have to go through.