Day 4

Today I am grateful for sleep.

It seems like during the week I never get enough sleep.

I always tell myself that I'm going to go to bed early, then I never do.

It seems like I get to bed an hour or even 2 later than I want to.

So on the weekends I play catch up on sleep.

Last night was one of those nights that I was absolutely exhausted,

I woke up this morning 11 1/2 hours later from when I went to bed.

Talk about being exhausted!

So today I'm and grateful that I have caught up on my sleep and I'm able to relax this weekend.

Happy New Year's Eve!

Day 3

Today I am grateful for my job.

Next Tuesday will be the year mark that I started working here at the

Department of Workforce Services.

I have felt so many emotions with this job:

confusion, frustration, anger, sadness, happiness, heartbreak, and gratitude.

There's a lot more adjectives I could place on this list, but those are the first ones that come to mind.

My job is hard.

I talk with people every day that are down on their luck and

have turned to the state for welfare assistance.

This past month was my first December here and it was an eye opener.

There have been multiple times this month that I have teared-up or cried quietly in my cubicle

 from the heart breaking stories I hear.

There are people out there that genuinely need this assistance and that is what makes

my job so fulfilling to do.

On the other hand,

I take great satisfaction is catching people who try to cheat the system or

 commit welfare fraud. I feel like I'm finally doing my part in making sure that my

tax dollars go to people who need it.

This job has done one MAJOR thing for me.

I am SO unbelievably blessed.

I have food in my cupboards, shelter over my head, and a warm place to sleep at night.

 A lot of the people I talk to don't have any of these things.

So while I'm here I will count my blessings and try to remember that I am a lucky girl.

Day 2

Today I am thankful for Seasons.

I'm lucky enough to live somewhere that has all four seasons,

with some longer than others. (yes Winter, I'm talking to you)

I love all the blooming flowers in the springtime.

While I'm not a huge fan of all the gloomy rain, I love that it turns everything from brown to green!

Summer is by far my favorite season.

 It's the time to be outside camping, barbequing, swimming, bonfires,

and spending time outside with friends and family.

I love the hot weather!

Fall is a pretty season with the changing of colors

and feeling the nights getting cooler- finally relief from the sweltering summer nights!

Winter is by far my least favorite season.

My favorite winter was when I lived in Florida, and I wore shorts Christmas Day.

Still there's something magical about a white Christmas. 

If I still went snowboarding, I'm sure I'd feel different.

It seems like an endless season when I'm pretty sure I'll never be warm ever again.

I love how snow caps the mountains and gives everything a majestic feeling,

but in my opinion it can just stay on the grass and mountains.

If you've ever driven in snow, you understand my sentiment.

So there you go, I'm grateful for seasons.

Stay tuned for tomorrow!

Day 1

I am grateful for the most important person in my life, my husband Josh.

My life really wouldn't have been the same without him.

Before he came along I wanted to be a big shot career girl working

in an Embassy half-way across the world. I hadn't really
considered having kids, let alone giving up a career to be a mom.

These past couple weeks have made me seen my husband from a different perspective and I'm more in love with him now that when we got married 3 1/2 years ago.

We can laugh together, cry together, be absolutely weird together (without too much judgement).

He takes great care of me, which he completely proved when I was writhing in pain from my kidney stone and couldn't take care of myself very well. He's a great nurse!

He helped me get my priorities straight by falling in love with him.

I can't imagine my life any other way- it's funny how things change.

I no longer want to be a big shot career girl. While I still have ambitions and career aspirations, first and foremost I want to be a mom and a good wife.

Things haven't happened as I've wanted them to, especially struggling with infertility, but he's been there every step of the way to talk about things and letting me cry.

God willing, one day I will be a mom. That will be the biggest and most important career of my life.

Also, I'm grateful for your drive and hard work.

You have worked so hard these past couple years to get your schooling finished.

I'm thankful for your ambition and your dreams of what we both hope to acomplish one day.

So babe, thanks for giving me perspective. I don't know how my life would have turned out without you.

Thanks for taking me on fun dates, introducing me to great friends, and going on adventures to nowhere.

Love you lots and lots!

Being Grateful

I've reflected a lot these past couple weeks of how much I have to be grateful for.

I'm healthy (let's forget about that whole kidney stone fiasco in Vegas),

 I have an amazing husband who is my best friend,

I have a job that I love,

A family that is always there for me,

Great friends who let me talk,

And a faith that has gotten me through my darkest days.

While I still have struggles and can feel pretty low at times, 

I want to focus on the good this upcoming year.

So this blog is having another facelift.

I'm going to start a new year's resolution early

and try to name one thing each day that I am

GRATEFUL

for.

I have had days where I have felt depressed that my life isn't going the direction that I want it to go.

But, that's life isn't it? 

You can plan all you want,

 but Murphy's law and karma will always come into play and twist

 those outcomes to what was not expected- both good and bad.

There are days where I feel like there's a rain cloud looming over me and I can't see the sun

or the good in things.

So I'd like to try and name just ONE thing each day that I am grateful for.

I'm lucky enough to have a job where I deal with people 

who are by far, worse off than I hope I'll ever be.

They help me to realize that I have

MILLIONS 

of blessings in my life.

And it's time I started recognizing them.

Stay tuned.

Vials, Needles, and Syringes, Oh My!

Turns out I have a very stubborn body. 

8 cycles of Clomid and 3 cycles of Femara later, 
my body has still failed to ovulate. 

(For those who don't know those are fertility medications
 to induce ovulation.)

There is much frustration with a body that doesn't 
work how it should.

So the next step in all of our attempts for a baby is starting injections.

I know you're all jealous!

All my little vials

I had a lot of fear and trepidation starting these shots, 

especially since I was supposed to give them to myself!
But, it's stronger medication than anything I've taken before.

The sub-cutaneous needle- I'll take this shorter one any day over the longer one!

The intra-muscular needle- the one I used to fill the syringes. No thank you, I'm not going to stab myself with this one...at least not yet anyways.

The first shot was rather comical. 

This is me recreating my horrified face at sticking myself.

I sat at our table just staring at the needle thinking 'there's no way', 

then that line of thought going to 'you can do it, 
just stab yourself really fast..'

Josh sat at the couch and stared at me. 

He volunteered to give me the shot, but I told him no, because he wasn't going to be here all the days 

I had to take them, so I needed to be brave and just do it.

Ha ha, easier said than done my friends!

Since he so willingly volunteered, after a couple minutes of going back and forth between almost jabbing myself and putting the syringe down, 

I took him up on his offer.

It's so much easier to be given a shot then giving one to yourself.

I have a new found respect for diabetics who give themselves shots.

After all that hype, 

the shot wasn't anything but a pinch and some 
stinging as the meds were injected.

Once it was finished, I was resolved to give the next shot myself.
Josh was a really good shot giver. I'll take him as my nurse any day!

The next day, I'm proud to say I was able to do it!

I gave myself the shot!

I was so psyched out about it, and that was the worst part!

It wasn't bad at all, I think I might be over my fear of needles now.

Well, at least my fear of thin, short needles.

That longer needle might be another story if I have to stick myself with that!

But for now, I can handle the shorter needle.

Let's cross our fingers that this medication has worked. While I'm glad that I was able to give myself the shots, it's still not my favorite past time. I need a little glimmer of hope. If this can make me ovulate, I'll be jumping and shouting for joy.
While I don't want to be too optimistic that I'll get pregnant the first time I ovulate. I just want to know that some combination of drugs will make it possible.


Lets all cross our fingers and hold our breath!
I'll find out soon enough!

Summer!

Wow it's been a busy summer!

I wish I was better at remembering my camera, 

so here's a rundown of why I haven't been blogging!

1) Went on a trip to St George with our friends Heidi and Karl

2) Girls trip to Park City

3) Anniversary trip to Park City and dinner at the Melting Pot

4) Swimming with family

5) Watching summer blockbuster movies

6) Roasting marsh mellows and tin foil dinners in a campfire

7) Fireworks

8) Hanging out with friends

9) Two fertility treatments- both failed

10) Crafting- I'm getting pretty good at making skirts

11) Working

12) And, relaxing and trying to stay cool

I hope everyone else is having a good summer. 

It's been fun and busy, filled with highs and lows.

We 're still on the journey to having a baby, hopefully it'll happen soon.

Keep your fingers crossed!

It's craft time!

What have I been up to this past week?

I've caught the CRAFT BUG!

A couple weeks ago I attended a craft night, 

held by my sister's neighbor

Maria - go to her blog here.

Maria is a very crafty girl, 

just one look at her blog and you'll see that.

She comes up with a craft, then hold a craft night so all of the

creatively stumped people (I am one of those!)

 can have cute decor too.

Here was my project:

Wood blocks painted black, paper modpodged on, then vinyl lettering

I LOVE the bright colors!

With my next craft, here's a little history...

At work everyday I look at an array of blogs.

When things are slow or I need a break, I read blogs.

(Thank you google reader for keeping track of all of them!)

One blog I read is makeit-loveit.com

Recently I bought a skirt pattern from there.

I used to sew a lot but haven't since I was in high school because I didn't have a sewing machine.

Well, now I have one and I'm going crazy with projects!

Some have worked out, and some haven't (a brown yoga skirt...)

These two things I made today worked out, and I'm in love!

The Lily Skirt:

It is a knee length skirt with a smocked waistband. 

Have I mentioned I like bright colors?

 A close-up of the smocking

In the next picture, I had leftover fabric, so I made a little rose to put on a headband.

I can't remember what website I got the idea from, 

but it matches my skirt,

and I'm pretty dang excited to wear both of them!

Oh, and here's some roses my husband got me! 

It was a nice surprise after having

such a crappy week at work as I've had the last couple weeks.

So thanks babe! 

I'm lovin' my roses and they smell amazing!

Have a great week!

I'm crossing my fingers that my 3 days of work

will go by fast!

Come Thursday morning I'll be heading to St George!

Better late than never!

Sorry it's been so long! Life gets kinda hectic, you know?

This past month I was comforted to see 2 separate publications have articles on  infertility.

It makes me happy that the topic is getting out there and people are being informed.

In that respect I'm doing much better and am coping a lot easier.

I have faith for the future. I'll become a mom someday.

One thing I have learned is to not put my life on hold.

I am living my life to the fullest and having fun experiences 

while we wait.

Can I just say how much I love summer?

I LOVE SUMMER!!!!!!!

It's finally time to get outside! Maybe that means I'll start running 

again since I signed up to run in this race:

It is a 10k obstacle course race through mud. 

I'm not usually one to do things like this, 

but it should be fun!

Besides that there are vacations planned that I'm excited to go on!

Here's what I did a couple weeks ago.

Josh bought a shotgun so we just HAD to go shooting.

I must say, I used to be very intimidated by guns, but slowly I have gotten comfortable around them.

I still don't really like them, but I know how to use them if the need ever arose.

Enjoy the pictures! We went shooting at the Bountiful range.

 

Josh with the new shotgun

 Lovely day for shooting

 My husband humoring me by showing some leg ;)

 I'm shooting a youth sized shotgun here. So much less of a kick!

The women and our shotguns!

Thank You!

I have been overwhelmed by all of the comments and emails I have received.

From feeling quite alone, I feel I have developed a kinship with quite a few of you.

There have been many emails and some comments that

 have been shared.

The first thing I want to say is thank you for being brave enough to share your story with me. 

Some of us are friends, some acquaintances, and a few are total strangers, 

but we have one thing in common.

We have struggled silently with something that we shouldn't have to feel like we need to be silent.

There have been many of you that have told me that you've just been diagnosed with 

PCOS and you want to do more research.

Here are a couple of links:

Info from a local Utah Clinic

Info on WebMD

Women's Health

There are many blogs and support groups as well.

There are some of you that have also shared with me that you fear you have PCOS.

I've been there.

 I've had the self diagnosis and that was ok for a while.

BUT

I encourage you to get a definite diagnosis from a doctor.

While it is devastating being told such news, there is also an empowerment that comes with it.

With getting a diagnosis, it eliminates the fear of 

'what if'.

And believe me, I know that fear.

I know what it's like for the months to pass and...

waiting for a cycle, using pregnancy test after test because I thought because I'm late 

'I MUST be pregnant.'

Well, little did I know about any of this whole infertility world.

I never wanted to face the fear that I'd have this struggle.

With knowledge there is power.

Learn everything you can and find that

 'silver lining' and that little 'glimmer of hope'.

It'll give you hope and help you to move forward to create a plan for the ultimate goal.

To conceive and have a baby of your own.

While my plan hasn't worked yet,

I have a doctor with a dedicated team that has a game plan.

One day I'll be a parent.

Thank you again for all your words of encouragement.

If you have any questions, want to contact me to share your story, or to talk with someone who understands, I welcome it.

Much Love,

Sara

Disclaimer and more info

I was at a really low spot last night.

That previous rant was not directed at ANYONE.

I love hearing stories about people's pregnancies, the birth, and about children in general.

This doesn't mean I want to stop hearing about them, just be sensitive of those that struggle.

I don't want to hear you tell me all about how FERTILE you are.

So with that, I apologize if that post made anyone feel bad. 

It wasn't intended as a guilt trip or to alienate people.

It was meant more as a therapy for me and to educate you.

Now that it's all in the open, I'll probably be posting more.

Ever sat down to blog and can't think of anything to put on your blog because you don't want to reveal too much?

Well, I'm done with that. 

If you can't handle it, don't read my blog.

I do have some information for those that are interested though.

Why is it that infertility affects MILLIONS of women but no one speaks of it?

Yes it can be embarrassing, but people need to be educated 

and informed.

For all the millions of people, there are not enough doctors who ARE informed about it. 

With my last obgyn, I told him my suspicions and all he did was put me on medication- no testing.

I'm the one that had to bring it up because I'd been off the pill for a year and nothing was happening.

That was really frustrating that normal SPECIALIZED DOCTORS like obgyn's aren't even aware. After speaking with someone who is very close to me, I discovered that I needed to go to a Reproductive Endocrinologist.

This boggles my mind- for how many women this affects- there's only really TWO infertility clinic's in Utah. And they help people who also live in Idaho, Montana, Wyoming, 

and any other surrounding states.

Depending on your insurance, one should be able to cover you if the other one can't.

The first one is the Utah Center for Reproductive Medicine

Click here to see their website.

The second is the Reproductive Care Center

Click here to see their website.

Both places are specialists and really seem like they are human. 

They genuinely want to help people. 

Why can't most obgyn's act like that, especially the old ones?

So here's the end of another rant.

Just know I love all of you and know that this is more therapy for me than anything.

Please don't stop sharing your stories.

Thanks for listening.

Confessions...

With this post,

I feel like I am really exposing myself, sharing something so personal with the world.

It's been a while since I've posted and many things have happened,

but that's not what this post is about.

I saw a post on Facebook yesterday that aptly described some of my feelings as of late.

Here it is:

Infertility is a heart wrenching, faith questioning, relationship testing, life altering experience. Whether a friend, family member or yourself has fought through this difficult fate that MILLIONS of women are fighting day in and day out. Post this as your status if you or someone you know has walked to hell and back for the chance to be a MOM.

How does this apply to me? 

I AM one of those women who struggles with infertility.

It IS heart wrenching, my arms aching to hold a child that is mine. To feel a life grow in me for 9 months and experience the wonder and awe of what it is to be a mother.

It is faith questioning. Why does God give babies to undeserving people who abuse and take advantage of their children, when those who just want the chance to love and nurture are left wanting 

- arms open and aching.

It is relationship testing. I am lucky to have a wonderful and supportive husband who shares my same dream. Who wants to be a father as much as I want to be a mother. 

He's in it for the long haul and for that I am so grateful. 

Through all of this I know I have a shoulder to cry on who will comfort and encourage me, 

who always looks on the bright side of things to cheer me up.

It is a life altering experience. That day in the specialists office when he confirmed my fears, 

was an extremely bitter pill to swallow. Some days are better than others. Some days I'm optimistic and cautiously hopeful, and other days I feel like it's impossible and I'll never have a baby.

Today is one of those not so optimistic days.

I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS)

What is PCOS?

 In simple terms, it's a hormonal disorder where my body doesn't produce the 

correct amount of hormones to make my body ovulate. 

While I can still have children, it's extremely difficult. In the normal process of ovulation, the egg matures in a follicle, then is released when the follicle stimulating hormone (FSH) is released.

In my case, I lack the FSH to mature and push the egg out of my ovary.

Because of this, I have many follicles that have never matured on my ovaries.

While a normal ovary has 10-12 follicles, a person who has PCOS has 20+.

In the case of my last ultrasound, I had 40 on each ovary. 

That's 80 follicles of eggs that never matured and were never released.

Here's some pictures so you get an idea:

This is a normal ovary:

On the left side there is a dark spot- that is a follicle where a mature egg would be released.


Here's a Polycystic Ovary:





While this isn't my ovary, this looks similar to what mine looks like. See how many more black spots there are? These are all follicles that haven't released an egg. 


This doesn't mean that there's a great risk for multiples since there's so many follicles, it's just a struggle to get one to release an egg.


So there you have it. 


There's no cure, just many drugs to help manage the symptoms and to help make a person ovulate.
There are some cases where diet and exercise help to make it go away, but this is only possible if a person is diagnosed because they are obese.
In my case I'm not obese.
Just one of those random genes that was passed on.


So I deal with it.
 I remain cautiously optimistic some days, and other days I come home and cry- 
or I run out all of my frustrations.


There is one thing that really bothers me. 
When people who are pregnant tell me how easy it was. 
They were off the pill for a month and it happened or it happened by accident.
Every time I hear that it's like a slap in the face.
While I am happy for you, I don't need you to flaunt it in my face how easy it was.
If I don't come to your baby shower, don't be offended- some days are worse than others.


For me it will NEVER be easy. 
This process will take a team of doctors and nurses- nothing intimate, nothing unplanned.
Counting days, making sure I take the right medications on the correct days.
Doing everything the doctors want me to try and be willing to spend the insane amount of 
money it will take. 


For what? 
The HOPE that it will happen this time. Nothing is guaranteed.


While I have no clue who is going to read this, learn one thing from this. 


Please be conscious of other people.
 Be mindful, sensitive, and considerate of other people's feelings and situations.
While I am willing to talk to people about PCOS, you won't hear my talk of MY treatments. 
So please don't ask. 
I'll tell you what medications I'm on and if you know me, you probably know something of what I'm taking because it makes me feel sick- all day every day. 
Even though I am miserable, I think a baby and having the chance to start a family is worth all the things I have to go through.