Got Quotes?

Oh how I'm looking forward to the weekend!

I feel like I have been going non stop the past 2 week and I am more than excited for a break. We have absolutely NOTHING planned. While I'm sure that will change there are a couple things I'm looking forward to.

Like sleeping in. While I love being busy I don't sleep well during the week. My dreams are too vivid for sleep to be restful. For example- a couple nights ago in my dreams Josh and I renewed our vows, then after that I was part of the Australian Mountain Biking team....

So on this long weekend, I'm going to sleep! And yes, I'm thanking Uncle Sam for giving me President's Day off, so I get a 3 day weekend. Oh wonderful sleep, here I come.....

I'm looking forward to snuggling with my hubby. He just bought Skyfall (the newest James Bond) and I am excited to have a movie night, relax, maybe have some popcorn, and watch this really good movie. (And if you haven't seen it, you really should. Much different from any other James Bond every filmed.)

I have been really touched by all of the kind responses I've gotten from y'all since I've started going to the support group. I'm going to continue to go, and to also use this blog as my voice. Maybe even strengthen others who are going or have gone through infertility. Here are some quotes that I found that totally sum up my feelings or are thought provoking. One of them especially struck me. Growing up, we all had preconceived notions of how our lives were going to turn out. I know my life is very different from how I thought it would be. I always wanted to be a mom. In my early twenties, I decided kids could wait and I wanted to be a career girl, travel the globe, and experience everything that I could. When I met Josh, my dreams changed. I wanted a career still, but only for a while. I started to think about having a family, being a mom, and my career picking back up when the kids went to school. Reality has a different idea. I'm in my late twenties and I'm a career girl. Haven't traveled too much. I still have a lot of time to experience everything I want to, I'm just impatient. I need to learn to enjoy the journey along the way....

Hope you enjoy the quotes!

"We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

-Joseph Campbell

"In all living have much fun and laughter, life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."

- Gordon B. Hinckley

"People cry, not because they're weak. It's because they've been strong for too long."

- Unknown

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have."

- Unknown

"It's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen;

but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want."

- Unknown

P.S.- If you have a good quote, please share!

Validated

Last Thursday I took a huge step toward helping myself. It was terrifying. I tried to talk myself out of it and almost turned my care back around. But I didn't. I went to my first Infertility Support Group. I was SOOO nervous walking into that room, but it's the best decision I've made in a long time. Something that will actually help my emotional well being, teach me how to cope, and talk to women who know EXACTLY how I feel. Some had biological children, some had adopted, and some had none.

There were a couple of statistics I wanted to share. When I heard these, it made me feel validated. Validated with what exactly? Validated with all of my feelings- the anger, sadness, indifference, and frustration.

Did you know....

When given the diagnosis of infertility, the brain fires off the same emotional response as a cancer diagnosis.

Everytime there is a failed infertility cycle, the brain creates the same emotional response as a death of a loved one.

Probably didn't know the emotions were that strong or traumatic, did you? As I was listening to this, I had so many 'ah ha' moments where my own experiences and feelings clicked into place. It helped me to know that I wasn't crazy...far from it. Infertility is a hard thing to deal with. One thing that especially struck me was how many women suffer in silence. Out of the 11 women that were there, 4 of them admitted that no one- family or friends, knew they were struggling with infertility. They had been going through IVF cycles, and no one knew. (FYI- IVF is invitro fertilization, which is roughly a $10,000 procedure. Not covered by insurance and not a guaranteed pregnancy.)

I think I would have been committed a long time ago if that were the case. They spoke about coping mechanisms. Honestly one of mine is sharing my experiences. I think it helps to educate people, and prevents people from asking when we are going to start a family or other sensitive questions. And if they do, I take that as a chance to let people know what we are going through. Not to be mean, but to educate that this is something that doesn't have to be hidden. My heart ached listening to those women who are doing it alone. They say that it takes a village to raise a child, but it also takes a village to love and support those who are trying to get that child here. Infertility shouldn't be shameful secret to bear alone.

Now that I've been to this support group, I can't think about staying away. To listen to others and share my experiences, this is one thing I won't give up.

Time Flies by....

I can't believe it has been a year since I've written anything on this little blog of mine. So much has happened, both good and bad, it's hard and overwhelming to think of writing about everything. So I'm not even going to try.

I've had a lot of mixed feelings lately that I've been feeling like I need to write somewhere. I don't know if I'll ever get over my feelings of inadequacy, especially when it comes to infertility. The feelings of being absolutely helpless, wanting to scream, punch something, or just curl up into a ball and disappear. These visit me a lot.
We've wanted a child for so long and have been going through the process of infertility treatments for 3 years. I had an ironic realization yesterday that made me chuckle. When Josh and I got married, lots of people asked us when we were going to start a family. Both of us had been firm in our answer- 5 years minimum. Well, we changed our tune close to our first anniversary. We both love kids and we wanted our own. Our 5 year anniversary is this year. Kinda ironic how things turn out, isn't it? We'll celebrate in July, and look, no kids yet. I almost wonder if I wasn't jinxing everything on our wedding day by being so adamant that we wouldn't have kids until 5 years.
I wouldn't trade these 5 years for anything, no matter how hard it has been. Between the crying and laughing, joys and disappointments, I have fallen more in love with my husband as time goes on and I know that we have a solid relationship. I need to be thankful for that. There are times when I think he'd be better off with someone who has normal ovaries, but then I think that he chose me. He has stuck with me through all the bitter disappointments, and hopefully will continue to do so. That's how I know he loves me. He's here for the long haul.
I have 5 people who I am close to that have told me of their pregnancies- 2 just in the last 2 weeks. While I am trying to be happy for them, my emotions go through waves. At first I feel like I handle it really well, but then there are times when I just fall apart or get really angry. No rhyme or reason to any of it. We aren't doing fertility treatments right now, and honestly, I don't know if I want to start again. If you haven't been through it, you have no clue how emotionally and physically taxing it is being pumping full of hope and shooting hormones like a heroin addict. They say it's an exact science, but there's also a lot of luck and chance. We did our last fertility treatment in August and my body has only recently started returning to normal. I just lost the last of the 10lbs from the steroids they put me on.
It's been a process, but I think I'm finally to the point to where I think I'm ready to adopt. That's the feeling right now. It can change in 5 minutes or 5 hours or even 5 days from now. I just want a child. It's an emotional roller coaster that will never stop. I wish I could better articulate these feelings, but I've never been very good at translating those feelings into words. Hopefully you'll understand my ramble.

Day 17

I am grateful for food!

Not only is it a nessecity that I am very grateful to have,

I am grateful that I am able to indulge and enjoy delicious food.

One of my favorite foods is sushi. Oh sushi....how I love thee!

My favorite is a spicy tuna roll or a rainbow roll, that has tuna, yellow tail, and salmon.

I am willing to try almost anything (within reason) at least once to see if I like it or if I still dislike it.

I'm grateful that I have choices in what food to eat and I can enjoy it, instead of eating just to sustain life.

Along with sushi, I love Chinese, Italian, Mexican, Indian, American, and just about any other type of food.

My favorite dessert is cheesecake. Oh how I am grateful for cheesecake and desserts!

Day 16

Today I'm grateful for outlets to relieve stress.

These past couple days have been pretty stressful at work with different deadline looming.

I'm grateful to come home and decompress.

Between zumba and playing my violin, I've been able to relax and let go of every thing that's going on.

Yesterday and today I've really needed it.

It's been nice to know that I'm relieving stress and working on making myself a better person.

I'm able to get myself into better shape and I'm able to work on playing my violin better again.

While I'm not one to work well with stress, it sure is making me help be a better person.

And for that I'm grateful.

Day 15

I am grateful for goals.

Where would our world be if people hadn't made goals?

Thank goodness for ambition and the drive to succeed! 

I made a goal with this new year, that I need to admit I never had plans to follow through on.

It's funny though how life intervenes to help you realize your goals.

Am I being cryptic enough?

So from previous posts, you might remember that I play the violin?

For the past couple years I have had every intention of regularly practicing my violin to get back to the level I was in high school.

Well, I got a call from someone yesterday that goes to my same church and they asked me to play my violin in church the last Sunday of the month....

I'm FREAKING out!

It has been 8 years since I have performed in front of anyone or anything but a music stand.

I graciously accepted with the realization that this is giving me a reason to practice.

But boy oh boy...I'm nervous.

I keep telling myself that I'll be ok.

You'll be ok Sara. Really. You will.

So here's to me getting back on the musical bandwagon.

Thank you goals and life for helping me forget my guilt and get lost in my music again.

I realize now that I've missed it.

Day 14

Today I am grateful for Brinner.

What is Brinner you ask? Breakfast for dinner!

I LOVE breakfast food, and I LOVE eating it for dinner!

For Christmas we got a griddle from my parents.

This little appliance has helped so much to have my breakfast dreams realized!

Tonight I had leftover french toast. And it was DELICIOUS!

I love almost all breakfast food from: 

yogurt, oatmeal, cream of wheat, pancakes, waffles, french toast, muffins, omelets, bacon, sausage,

to many, many others.

And there was another milestone. I grew up with my mom making syrup and I have striven for 3 years to make syrup that tastes like hers. 

Well, Saturday night I finally did it!

It makes my breakfast that much sweeter that I finally mastered that recipe.